Your name is shit, I will give you a new one

Gaylesbian - The replacement name we came up with for an individual with the last name 'Gillespie'. He was old, overpaid and tied sweaters around his neck - an instant recipe for an instant beating. This is Toronto yo, not the Hampton's. He was fired for being useless, old and for tying sweaters around his neck.

PooTeeth - The name pretty much says it all. His love for tea (16 cups a day) created a layer of dogshit looking crust on and around his chompers. Word around the 3rd floor is that he's had some work done and looks like THIS. Nice to see that the overpaid and incompetent managers at my office are putting their hard earned dollars towards something important during these tough economic times.

The Big Russian - She was cool but big. Linebacker big. Thick accent and could eat like a horse. That being said, she constantly talked with her gaping hole open which exposed her mashed up food. I hear she always fantasized of a session of light anal with Ivan Drago. Yes you dicks, I know Dolph Lundgren is Swedish but I'm talking about The Siberian Express here!

The Stallion of Italians - Every workplace has one. Someone with an Italian background (but not born in Italy) who believes his heritage is his only sole reason for living and is the poster boy for Italian stereotypes. You know these clowns - slicked back hair, smells like cioppino, dress shirt unbuttoned two buttons too low exposing his nappy chest hair and single gold rope chain with a dangling cross. Do us all a favour and throw that gold chain over a shower curtain rod and kick out the stool from underneath you.

Sweep the Leg Johnny - In reference to one of the greatest martial arts movies of all time. He's mid to late 30's, BLEEDS workplace bureaucracy and constantly talks about how he recently took up Karate and is training every night at his local dojo. Someone needs to walk up and speedbag this guy in the nuts so he'll shut his fucking hole. We should pool money in the office and pay his instructor to snap his neck.

DiaperBum – The ass area of his pants are so baggy one could only assume that he can't hold his own shit stream and needs to wear diapers. He also drops loud bombs on a regular basis in front of coworkers and continues on like it never happened. While I have nothing but the utmost admiration for those that cut ass in the workplace, this guy fails due to the fact he's not hiding it - stealthy ass dropping and blaming it on others is a true art.

Manchester United – 5' 10'', 375 pounds and never stopped talking about Manchester fucking United - hence the name. "Pitch this, soccer balls that, Alex Ferguson and I got pissed one night on Guinness'". All his soccer talk over a period of 5 years was the main reason I never got into the sport. The only good thing this guy had going for him was that you could hear his stomping and wheezing from the other side of the office giving us advance warning of his presence and enough time to hit the stairwell for a quick exit. Avoiding this guy should have been part of my performance appraisal because I was fucking good at it. He also hated the smell of rotting fruit in his garbage can. I made it a priority of mine every Wednesday morning to discard my half eaten apple or banana in his garbage just to hear him bitch about it in the afternoon team meeting.

I'll miss the people

Over the past three years, a number of people have either left my company on their own or have been fired for good reason. Each one of these newly unemployed felt it necessary to send a good-bye email to all their 'closest' work friends to suck everyones schlong one last time. I've gone ahead and replaced the company name to something a little more appropriate - not to protect myself from getting fired but to save myself the embarrassment of people actually knowing where I work.

Hello to the *SHIT COMPANY* family!

Guess you all know what happened on Monday. Although unfortunate, I have mixed feelings about leaving the company. Most of all, I will miss you guys and girls! Everytime someone left *SHIT COMPANY*, one statement was always made: "I'll miss the people". That statement holds true for me as well. The people at *SHIT COMPANY* really makes this company what it is. I sincerely hope to keep in touch with all of you. My personal email address and msn is ilovethepenis@gmail.com and penislovesme@hotmail.com, respectively. Please contact me when you have a moment (since I'll be free until the recession is over :p ) On a brighter note, I will be searching for jobs in Toronto, and also plan to look overseas for opportunities. Working abroad is something I have wanted to try for awhile and this may be that "firm push" I needed to go in this direction. I'm very excited for what lies ahead for me as I know it can only get better...my fortune cookie says 2009 is MY YEAR! :D

Lastly, I appreciate the support many of you have given during my time at *SHIT COMPANY*. Most of all, I enjoyed the laughter and mini-chats that we shared.

Cheers,
Miss Sweet Onion
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PUKE. The only reason for this email is to create the illusion that she actually cares for everyone on the list as a friend so if her retarded ass ever needs a reference, she'll come calling.

When I leave *SHIT COMPANY* I will send out a company wide email listing my top five life experiences:

1. Downing my first beer
2. Getting circumsized
3. Leaving *SHIT COMPANY*
4. Taking my first dump with corn in it
5. Taking my first dump with peanuts in it

I'll give her a highfivepenis on her comment "The people at *SHIT COMPANY* really makes this company what it is." Nothing far from the truth as the people at *SHIT COMPANY* make *SHIT COMPANY* what it is today - SHIT. Yes, people are super duper friendly at *SHIT COMPANY* but the fact is, there's more incompetence at the senior VP level down to the managers to shake a Haitian dong at.

Looking for examples? start with our HR Director, drunk as a valley girl on semen and swinging from a pole at our last Christmas party. I should have slipped it in her dumper.